Owning It (inside and out).

Easier said than done!

Today I am confessing, out loud and to all of you, that I am a fraud... I am not the Merry Meri that I seem. You see, when I got down to thinking about my new year's resolution, I wanted to go deeper than "lose weight" or "learn spanish" (neither of which were successful in 2014 might I add). I wanted to think about a piece of me I could really try to improve upon for my own mental health and wellness... so this year I resolve to stop being a fraud; I resolve to be more confident and at the same time more vulnerable, inside and out.

Being cheery, loud and proud is kind of my MO. I am Merry Meri with crazy ideas, a giving heart and boundless energy. I love that people see me this way and I love seeing myself as this person... but I've recently realized that defining yourself in any one way, picking a box you should "fit in", can be dangerous. It doesn't leave room for you to evolve or struggle without feeling like somehow you've failed, like you are not yourself and the person people expect you to be. This leaves you struggling on the inside and faking it on the outside and what does that accomplish? Nada. And it's exhausting. What I think we need is to be confident in whatever version of ourselves we're capable of being in a particular moment, and when that self is not your favorite you, be ok with it and with showing it. Allow people to see that you're not just 1 kind of person (and that that is a-ok!)

In 2015, I am going to start owning it on the inside and out. When I receive a compliment, I am going to try harder to take it to heart and allow it to fuel my confidence and quiet my self-doubt. When I'm feeling insecure or overwhelmed, I'm going to try not to hide it, but instead let the people around me who know me see that I need their support and uplifting. I'm going to stop letting my crazy mind think that this behavior is weakness or failure. It's not. It's human. Cheers to 2015 and allowing ourselves to be human!

Annus Mirabilis

Tis the time of year for New Year's resolutions and perhaps you may have noticed that unlike last January, this year I've been a bit silent on the issue... You see, the reason I haven't mentioned any resolutions yet is because I was not the most successful resolver in 2013... I am still trying to raise the last $2,000 for my build-a-school in Africa project, I only maintained a weight under my "problem number" for a few weeks, my career growth fell short of personal expectations and that Rosetta Stone Spanish box remains sealed. Yikes! And while I should be focused on my primary 2013 resolution to "Be Happy(er)", (a unique challenge which I think I accomplished with great success!), I can't seem to let the fact that I didn't achieve my tangible goals go. How do you look forward when you didn't accomplish what you'd intended in the past?

In thinking about the year ahead and wanting to embrace my successful "Happy(er)" state of mind, I can't decide whether I'll feel best by adopting the same resolutions in 2014 (if at first you don't succeed...) or by moving on to new goals (upwards and onwards!!) The idea of abandoning a goal simply because I didn't achieve it feels super lame, but facing a new year with the same expectations as the year prior seems even lamer. I mean, I am not stuck!!! 

In the end, I think the reality is that my 2013 resolutions, like many goals, are targets I need to keep in front of me, even when they seem difficult, unrealistic or even impossible. In 2014 I resolve simply to keep moving forward towards the things I hope to accomplish... because if we don't want for things, we'll never put ourselves on the path to having them (amIright!?). I remain hopeful that this will be my annus mirabilis, that this time next year I'll finally be a spanish-speaking, fit and trim, school building, professional rock star... at the very least I must resolve to try.

Resolve. Be happy(er).

I'm counting on it!

Do you make New Years resolutions? I do and as I've grown older, I've come to really welcome them. I love the idea of re-focusing on self-improvement and becoming a happier version of who I was the year before. For me, 2012 was... well it just was. There were moments of incredible joy, but there were also challenges. Upon reflection, there were too many moments when I allowed myself to lose my merry mojo.

What's awesome about this admission, is all the potential it carries. While we cannot control what life throws at us, I think we can be determined to handle it a certain way. My resolutions are not just a tangible list, but also a desire to improve my 'tude. I want to dwell less on things I can't control and be more satisfied with what I have instead of always worrying about what I'll need next. I want to "get over it" (whatever "it" may be) with more grace and less anger/tears/sulking. In 2013, I'm going to do a better job of keeping myself happy... because being happy is a pretty awesome way to be.

And just in case that was way too existential and preachy for your taste... here are my other 2013 goals (put in writing and shared with all of you for extra accountability!)

1) Finish last year's goal. Also, learn Spanish.

Last year my goals were to start a blog and fundraise enough money to build a school in Africa. Check and no check (if we're keeping score:) This year I'd like to finish last year's project (learn more about my school in Mwangaza HERE) and begin learning Spanish. I look forward to being a bilingual, school building, blogger in 2014.

2) Wellness (aka, eat less woman!)

This year instead of picking a weight I want to be, I'm going to focus on the weight I don't want to be. I've spent the past several months above my magic number of self-loathing so for 2013, I vow to get below the number and STAY below the number, all. year. long. 

3) Climb another rung on my personal career ladder

I like to keep lawyer-meri off the blog, but she's got some 2013 goals as well. I resolve to make growth of my career a priority this year.

p.s. - This a GREAT documentary on being Happy which I'd highly recommend.