Thursday, June 11, 2015

You go first.

Earlier this week, I attended a funeral for a beautiful, 94 year old woman named Fran. The other half of this amazing couple, I sat teary-eyed through touching eulogies, all of which mentioned the triumph of Fran's 64 year marriage to her soulmate, who passed away less than 2 years ago at the age of 99.

Following the funeral, I once again found myself thinking about my own life and my soulmate, Dr. H. It was then that I informed Dr. H that I hoped we would both live long, happy lives together, but that when it came time, I hoped he would die first. Dr. H was taken aback. "So you want me to die? Are you gonna kill me!?!" I laughed and tried to explain. I hoped he would die first to save him the pain and to spare him the struggle. I did not want him to be left behind. I feared he would be too alone... I am the "caregiver" in our relationship and I want to care for him until the end and then I'll somehow find a way to care for just myself. I know I could do it, just like the amazing Fran did. Dr. H said he understood, but he still didn't like it. 

In the end, Dr. H and I decided that we're going to "Notebook it"... because there's just no way for either of us to imagine ever having to live without our soulmate.

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